*I do not recommend you use this tone, Im just naturally combative and I hate being told what to do. He kind of laughed and said that he wasnt a scummy guy and that he doesnt have anything to hide so why not? I saw progress though, and it made it easier to wade though until it was resolved. As a result, I let him pick most of our destinations for dates, because I wasnt going to invite him someplace and then push him to pay for me. Not to be too dramatic, but: If you handle this the right way, it can be the start of a new chapter in your relationship. Spyware allows you to listen in to and record calls, read texts, see photos and even watch your subject via their phone's camera. Something that I tried with my own Helper from several years ago I took him with me to a therapist appointment. For more information, please see our If a relationship is making you unhappy, you do not have to bend yourself into a pretzel to try and make it work. And who makes that clear to you. July 12, 2023, 2:00 am, by Theres also a significant element of what he wants/feels entitled to in there. Hell yes! Anger is about taking, not giving. He has an intense fear of abandonment and we have shared amazing times together. If LWs partner isnt interested in learning and compromising, then it seems to me it will be hard to continue with a healthy relationship. Flags everywhere! I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. And of course if theyre dodgy they tend to do it in a way that seems sufficiently different from our terrible family situation to be very well at least they dont do X thing. Theres a degree to which each partner does handle their own issues, but also an extent to which partners work together to help each other. But I can also tell that some big things are going to have to change in our relationship if its going to have a future, and Ruds masterclass really illuminated to me how staying with him out of guilt is doing both of us a disservice. That is some high-level head games. Like everyone sometimes I like my own space: that doesnt mean I love him any less, it just means I enjoy being on my own now and then. The thing is, it doesnt sound like he wants you to be better, despite what he says. The boyfriend may well not be reasonable. Does he want you to be happy and comfortable in your own body; or is he looking for A Girlfriend Who Matches The Public Beauty Ideal? It can be a nice, easy way to do social. 1. mSpy Best App for Tracking Your Boyfriend's Phone Overall in 2023. mSpy is one of the most popular spy apps out there, having over 1 million users across more than 10 years in the space. Your boyfriend may have felt secure with you because, in his head, you had low self exsteem and would not look for someone better than him. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. (To be fair, hes gotten *much* better.). I dont know your boyfriend, but in my case, I had to say to my fianc outright that I already have a therapist who is doing her job just fine, and this was even harder for him, because part of his job involves providing therapy to students on the autism spectrum. The situation seems chock full of red flags to me. Belittling my feelings. But how can GPS tracking help you find out the truth? He seems to have set up this power imbalance in the relationship where he is right and the one to be listened to and you are the one who needs to be told what to do and that makes me very uncomfortable. I can think of several people in my life who must have read that book. At all. And sometimes people respond to that by trying to keep a person from getting healthier. I'm writing for Ideapod to try and find it again. Flee! If so, disregard my next piece of advice because OMNIPOTENT BOYFRIEND THE ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES) SO they clearly cant actually know whats best for you. I have no idea if my dumping him finally gave him the kick in the pants he needed to dowell, anything (we havent talked since he moved his stuff out), but I can say my life improved drastically! Its hard to figure out what to do and how to do it in a way that supports them and helps them. He was scared, I was exhausted and largely unresponsive, and neither of us knew what was going on or what to do. I think this is great advice. Some mobile service providers allow you to auto-generate reports and call logs. Be good to yourself, LW, and if Boyfriend cant be good to you too, well, then I think the Captain is right about this guy being more invested in himself than you. Because if so, you need to skip all the subtler steps and skip straight to Therapist, these things my boyfriend does and says are making it worse, help! Right now. This is a guy who hasnt figured out that nagging doesnt work despite all kinds of evidence to the contrary. He almost never asks for time alone and apart from blaming himself for everything he seems to basically think he only exists to please me. No-one can pressure him into anything nor does he pressure anyone else. For more information, please see our Sorry, it posted before I was done. My boyfriend (39m) wants to track me (31f) via phone/find my friends Hide the chips? That looks like progress to me. Immediately, I felt as though this was a subtle passive attempt on his part to get me to relinquish my location and privacy settings to him. just so he can be sure that I am not a scummy chick with something to hide. Reddit, Inc. 2023. There is often a needy pattern where one partner feels they need to prop the other up and reassure them and feels guilty if they don't. This often falls into a "victim" and "savior" complex. Youre a real person. For real. Then he was a royal PITA trying to get me back, because I turned out to be harder to upgrade than he expected again, hindsight! Anger flips the narrative. Your workout didnt count according to my standards is a vague inference. Following the health was hurt because of being pushed to overlook boundaries thought, what Im most afraid of is: does LWs depression come with any self-harming inclinations? And thats OK. So 30 minutes after I left (phone was on silent) I get texts saying "please return my car" 2 missed calls, and a notification saying find my device has located this device. I agree with the Captains scripts! okay you have got a lot of permission to dump comments here and I dont want to dismiss what other people read in your letter but offer another perspective. At no cost, this app offers access . Sadly, I would not be surprised if he saw outcome 1 as being necessary for the LW to be happy and healthy or at least how he self justifies wanting the LW to return to the passive role that they played in the relationship while they grappled with their depression and lack of confidence. Personally, I dont like relationships where I am treated like that. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. Theres only so much niceness I can take, to be honest. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Absolutely. I would say, How does blindly doing everything you say make me more adventurous? We would go round and round, but I never got through to him, because I wasnt willing to back my words with actions. How to Track Boyfriend's Phone without Him Knowing Hes so dependent on pleasing me that he almost never argues or even says his own opinion and Im left in an endless guessing game about where he actually stands emotionally or how hes feeling about something. This is not a democracy. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Sometimes you just have to watch somebody else hurting and not be able to do anything about it. It can sometimes be really helpful to challenge yourself, whether thats to exercise more or read more or keep things cleaner around the house. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. Validation. Make the change today and cultivate the love and respect you know you deserve. Its a power and control thing and points to major issues that he needs to work on himself. Annnnnd, suddenly I understand why my husband is forever puttering about in the garden. I find that the occasional session of length swimming makes me feel mentally great for a while afterwards, but I will also be exhausted for the rest of the day and not be able to get anything done, and usually experience a mood crash too. I'll see if he respects this boundary because he didn't necessarily agree to it (he left me on read). I actually coined the term for him. It was exhausting for both of us. 3. I wish I could say I dumped him, but in fact what happened is we got through the sucky date, and he later told me our relationship had gotten stale, citing that fight as an example. Incidentally, I also learned a lot about my own self-care for times when hes having an episode, so I dont get so easily sucked in. Second, this worries me, the idea that his view is likely if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. That said, Ive gotten him to doctors, fed him, and made sure he took his meds at his worst; Ive helped to monitor his moods and symptoms and brought changes up for his consideration when I notice changes. Or maybe his own shortcomings as a helper? I think its easy for us to say DTMFA because we know none of the other persons good qualities. In his incredible, free video on cultivating healthy relationships. But it's amazing how often we jump through psychological hoops of self-justification to. Because cookies were next to my bed. In hindsight there was nothing he could have done. 'I want my dad back home with me': Police officer fights for his life I found it odd at first that my marriage broke up after I got to feeling better through therapy (by my measure and my therapists.) Telling me I am not being logical. To be honest, Im in a long-term relationship with a dude who is otherwise pretty damn great, but occasionally he comments on my wellbeing in a way that gets my back up (like telling me the severity of my issues is getting worse when Im acutely aware that its because Im under stress, or making it out that Im imposing Difficult Family Members on myself when its either manage a difficult visit or not see my family, ever). In leechspeak, logical and reasonable mean Whatever I want is logical and reasonable because I want it.. Thats their job, not yours., I once dated a guy who was really, really into strength training. Maybe the simplest (and best, to be completely honest with you about how Im feeling about this dude) answer is:You dont make each other happy anymore, and youd both be happier if you ended it and found someone more compatible. I feel like Ive learnt to spot the signs now, but I really didnt see them when I was less experienced. No. Your current partner sounds amazing based on that one tiny story you shared. Yes, seconded. But LW, my heart hurts for you so hard right now and I want you to know you dont have to be afraid that you wont have love if you leave this person who doesnt listen to you and constantly makes you doubt your self worth. He wouldnt criticize you and dismiss your choices as being inferiorhed show a genuine interest in the improvements you are making for yourself and be supportive of them instead of tacking on a bunch of additional repairs that would suit his (personal, clearly individual) view of How His Life Would Be Better If You Would Just Upgrade Already. Accepting you means accepting that. Hi LW I havent read through the comments yet, so maybe this has been covered (probably it has, the Awkwardeers are brilliant), but I couldnt not weigh in on this because I have been where you are and it sucks, and now I am somewhere else where it sucks a whole lot less, so if you dont mind, perhaps a view from the other side would be helpful? Then perhaps from there they can move towards leaving. Which is, when you get down to it, rather like juxtaposing a floor mop and a ceiling duster as binary opposites the opposition is purely circumstantial, there are more similarities between the two than differences, and quite honestly, if pushed, either of them can perform the same tasks as the other if theyre the only thing to hand. How can I respond when he gets mad at me for not being good enough? Is exercise great for depression? And he does this because he realizes that accounting for the emotions of other sentient beings is logical! I agree with all of the above regarding logic. So, think about how much of this does or does not seem to fit. You know what, these are things that I have my therapist/doctor to advise me about. Respect is really important in relationships. 9 Signs Your Boyfriend is Totally Wrong for You They are not feelings police tools. But its still a good idea to evaluate your relationship and whether your Dude is amenable to changing his behaviour when youve expressed a desire for him to Quit Doing That Thing, and what that might mean about how much he respects you. She did all that and I struggle even getting out of bed in the morning? Terri met "Ricardo" on Facebook Messenger two years ago. Thats right, mind your own business.* Asking how it affects him could give him an opener for a feelingsdump, and I wouldnt want LW put in the position of feeling like she has to manage his feelings about what she does with her own body. However I know of plenty of occasions where he used it and my sound is on. (ALSO he sounds like the sneering voice of trying to stop CSP behaviours once youre in the zone with them.) When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. (Of course, theyre the first ones to ask Well why didnt she leave? Ideas which involve me policing my SOs behavior, rather than my SO doing it for themselves those ideas both take agency from my SO, and attempt to make their behavior my responsibility. Now, he might not mean to make me feel guilty and I get that, but knowing his well-being is basically 99% (100%?) But if you're tracking their movements like a hawk, it might mean you don't feel as secure in the relationship as you may think you do. When I was in my early 20s I was a mess. It sounds terrible. He only wants to do what I want: watch the shows I want, go to the places I want, visit the friends I want. Back in the dim times, when I was young and dewy and dinosaurs still roamed the planet, and I was married to my starter husband, I was unhappy with our relationship. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. You're my boyfriend of 5 months, not my father, and if I'm not comfortable sharing my location, that's the decision. Using any freely available tool, you can root the device. in my flow state of intuitive expertise, 7 qualities every independent woman should look for in a man, 20 things self-assured people do differently in relationships, 6 signs youre in a relationship with someone who lacks emotional depth, If youre a lifelong learner, you probably have these 6 habits, 10 traits of people who are comfortable being alone, If you really want to change your life, ditch these 5 habits now, 11 signs someone isnt as emotionally intelligent as they think, 14 warning signs youre dealing with a passive-aggressive person, 7 traits that make someone low maintenance in a relationship, 15 signs youre surrounded by love, even if you dont realize it, The psychology of ignoring someone to get them to like you. Where is My Boyfriend? The Best Methods to Track His Phone Location - LCMN I have an ex my friend refers to as The Physical Manifestation of MellifluousDissents (Formerly) Low Self-Esteem. I suspect this b/f may belong to that club as well. People arent all good or all bad, but its okay to leave a good person if theyre treating you badly. Abusive ex wants me back. I knew that something was wrong. Exercise doesnt always improve my mood sometimes it just provides a distraction/occupation for me so I spend less time ruminating. I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a wonderful person who has low moods too. Do either of you even know whether those goals are achievable? You dont get a vote and you dont get to write my State of the Me address. Its ok to challenge yourself sometimes and then hang out in your comfortable space! See what happens when you do, how you feel, how he reacts. I make weird concoctions of things that are in the house, and if theyre tasty they make it into the regular rotation! Once, he actually went to therapy with me, and when he spoke with my therapist and saw that she was competent and that I was genuinely seeking help in a way that was working for me, he eased off. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/, https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/, https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. I spent four years in a relationship like that, where nothing was ever good enough and taking steps to be a better Me was met with derision and controlling behaviours, and I know so much how hard it is. #687: My boyfriend wont stop trying to fixme. Its something weve learned. Or will. My husband and I are around each other like 50% of the time (granted some of that time he is sleeping). ME. You cant have every day be a rest day otherwise youre not actually exercising, but they are needed or you burn out and get injured or sick. Apologise, and never say that to me again.. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, theres a real risk they too will experience some sadness that could develop into depression. We also set aside a weekly time for Partnership Serious Talks and during that time we create a space for advice and suggestions that we then do not revisit at any other point during the week. Cant remember him ever doing this either. Which did he pick, if you dont mind the question? When I started college, and made other friends, and had a job of my own. "Your anxiety about my safety is excessive and inappropriate. (and having dated somebody like LWs partner in the past when I was severely depressive I really kind of just want to SHOOT HIM.). But then kept sending financial support to his (first) wife, who knew that he was alive and had another family. I typically tell my husband if I am going somewhere, and I did tell him I had to run to the store (but I acknowledge he was half asleep). There were plenty of other things wrong with our relationship, but I was super-duper in love with him except that now I realize the person I ACTUALLY liked, loved, and respected was the imaginary version of him that lived in my head. Its always so much easier to see things from an objective perspective when one is looking in from the outside. Well, that just gave me a case of the Screaming Nopes. Nothing came of it until last night We were in the car and on our way back to his house, he pulls up his find my friends app to see if his daughter was home or not. I hope you can use some of these scripts to talk to your boyfriend, and that he can truly listen to what you are saying. It seems like his help is nothing more than poorly disguised undermining of you. He never seemed to understand that these personality traits conflictedor at least, they conflicted in me, for us. People who get controlling about appearance are the pits. Not many people at soup kitchens are gonna want to hear Dude mansplain to them how they can improve their lives. I am annoyed he is tracking me, not because I have something to hide, it's because I am forthcoming with my whereabouts that I am annoyed. Maybe I can step on fewer landmines by keeping it in mind. That you are so incredibly lucky and your boyfriend is a saint for dating you and youre an idiot it you let him go. Obviously YMMV, but Ive added that to my ever expanding list of red flags, right after people who proudly announce that they have no filter!! I have one word for you, LW. The idea of setting up a should about something like food or exercise for her and expecting her to abide by it sounds abhorrent. Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: "I hear you, but I want to be clear: I don't want you to do that anymore.". All good things. Someone who doesnt follow your clear requests on how to help you might not be good at helping you, or motivated to help you. I have two of those exes and there my collection ends! So even when your partner needs you all the time, you get to take time and space for yourself. I feel like the most charitable view of your boyfriend is maybe someone who doesnt understand depression very well (though who knows, he may even have had first hand experience but its a mental illness that everyone experiences vastly differently) and has absorbed all the messages of exercise releases serotonin and Good Hormones so it is the Natural Cure! I grew up with people who were allergic to being encouraging. Can I have a word of encouragement when you have a moment?, hell send me a You can do this or I believe in you when he gets the chance, which is all I really need. This one's a keeper. I cringe whenever I think about how unfair and how disrespectful I was to him, and how much time we wasted together when we each could have been in other situations (partnered or not) that would have been more fulfilling. And thats another sign that hes codependent. How do I explain to him that the tracker is unnecessary? Him: Im disappointed that you arent trying to improve your diet the way I said. You: NOT YOUR CALL.. This resonates with me on so many levels, but Im going to send on some advice from future-me that you can enjoy, or disregard as is entirely your desire, because I truly believe that you are the boss, expert and CEO of you. But really nothing in that letter sounds like a happy, healthy time. Knowing that fucking up around him was something forgivable (or something which didnt need forgiving) meant I felt braver about trying new things because failing wasnt so terrible an outcome. Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever hes going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. What he meant to communicate was like Lets try this thing together! or Im trying this thing and Im loving it! but it came out as How about you do this thing? He was reluctant to agree to stop giving advice, because it was painful and frustrating for him to watch me go through depressive periods and be unable to help. How to Track My Boyfriend's Phone without Him Knowing for Free My husband and I had a lot of honest conversations after that about what was my thing to take on and what was his thing to take on, and re-adjusting because Id gathered a lot of his things into my own basket. I expect him to monitor his health and to take as much action as he can when hes feeling bad, just as LW is doing. Or maybe, like so many men, he just expects the woman to do most of the housework. While you sort out how you feel about continuing in the relationship, my suggested script for when your boyfriend starts telling you what to do or expressing his disappointment in you is I dont like it when you act like my Life Coach, please stop telling me what I should eat/do/how I should exercise, and/or From now on, I dont want you to tell me how to change or improve myself, at all. Be blunt and say the things that are on the tip of your tongue: No. Heres my own take-away from my therapist: Your thoughts and your feelings are valid and welcome! Took about two years for me to believe that sentence. A person who is invested in their role as the Helper and in your role as Lumpy Clay Who Must Be Sculpted is going to try to convince you that setting boundaries here is not in your best interest. Its always up to me as if I am just a queen dispensing order. So even if what LW does affected her bf a lot (and it doesnt), the two of them putting themselves in the position of BF polices LW is bad for both of them. Everything I do in therapy has been trying to build confidence, motivation, and self-respect from within and stop relying exclusively on it externally, and then I go home and grapple with someone telling me that I need to do these things to be better. To literally hear them from an external source that would be really hard to take, and hard to stay healthy. July 12, 2023, 10:00 am, by What are the reasons a man might spy on his wife? Speaking of unconventional food pairings The Peanut-Butter and Bacon sandwich is a surprisingly delicious comfort-food combo (I like to toast the bread and add a dash of worcestershire sauce). I used similar, but not as good actually, scripts to CAs, and they worked (eventually). So LW: dump your boyfriend, or dont dump your boyfriend. Because my fianc and I worked things out and are in a good place now, I am hesitant to just say ~DTMF~, but your boyfriend needs to realize that monitoring someone elses habits (even your eating habits!) If you cannot help someone, and being with that person is hurting you as well, putting some distance may be the healthiest choice. LW, heres the thing about our Jerkbrains: theyre jerks. Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. LW, your bf sounds like my ex bf with the bone deep conviction that you should always be allowed to comment on your sos appearance and choices and exercise and work ethic. He means well is one of those phrases that is just full of NOPE. If You Always Need To Know Where Your Partner Is, Experts Say It Might Or the dark side: You will be fat and I will have to look at how fat you are and that would be terrible for me., My stepmother does this to my dad all the time. If it was, hed be asking you how he can help you heal, not telling you how to heal for him. If I lean my head the other way, I can see a guy who is panicking about his partner being depressed and going about it all wrong. How to Track Your Boyfriend's Phone Without Him Knowing We sometimes include products we think are useful for our readers. The truth is that none of us can fix someone else, and sometimes going our own way, despite how it can hurt a codependent person is the best for both partners. Not that I care much about LWs BF, but she does. We help each other a ton: I carry the groceries and he holds me and listens when I need it. Your current boyfriend sounds a bit like my first one. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. I suspect a lot of commenters are going to scream angry bees, run away, and theyre not wrong; your partners behavior is a bit like tiger stripes in tall grass: it looks like one thing (concern for you) but might be something far less pleasant. Is it because youve neglected a task you said youd do? So, his motives dont come *just* from the knowledge that she wants to get better. Soup kitchens. If theres child support or alimony involved, the presence of those forms should be able to take care of the financial requirements.). Someone struggling is not an automatic invitation to step in and run their lives for them. Good luck LW, and I hope you get to see how much better life can be when someone isnt actively holding back your awesomeness. Expressing frustration towards behaviors? Were taking it day by day, but I emphasized to him that I dont want him to just agree with everything about codependency because I might leave him if he doesnt. I could not come out of the relationship because I had nowhere to go. (But again, I do think its an excellent tool to help evaluate a relationship.). and our If it were me five years ago, when my self esteem was non-existent, and I were reading this comment thread, my heart would be sinking to my shoes at the very notion of a breakup, because I dont want to be alone for life and who could ever love me again if I screw this up? A revered and powerful female leader revealed by new method to Try Meetup.com, a class, finding an exercise buddy who is at your level and who likes to do the same stuff you like, volunteering. Nightengale, Im going to commit this one to memory! All rights reserved. Maybe, if in addition to saying What youre doing isnt helping me, you say, this is what you can do to help, hell be more responsive. Theres a difference. They write because stuff is horrible and awful and they cant work out how to fix it (without breaking up).
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